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[06 Dec 2004|01:42am] |
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So i never go online ever and randomly decided to catch up on the lj and Im so done with livejournal this is my last entry go ahead and delete me from your friends list because most of the people im friends with on here arnet really friends even if i try to be
I guess i need to get over it..people move on blah blah so i wont call or care if i see you around should i even say hi? maybe but it wont matter either way will it...sigh i sound angry but im not im pretty depressed i miss alot of people and it sucks when you feel like they dont give a shit about you
Goodbye livejournal
and old friends since this is my only contact with most people anyway
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| ...Im a bear |
[20 Oct 2004|12:45am] |
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 apathetic |
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music |
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drip drop |
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Ive been trying to sleep since 9
Its just not working out for me i guess..so time for an update
Work tomorrow at Its a Grind...yes i got my job there back and ive never been happier
also i quit Joannes and after this semester at Moorpark im quiting that too
The whole college thing isnt for me
I have better things in mind
Hmm seems like old friends are hard to keep in touch with so i guess i can just miss them for now
Friday is Leon, Dena, and Bradleys birthday....its gonna be a busy day
Umm Got my tattoo finished and im very very happy about that
i had lots to wrote about in my mind but i lost it so im done for now..im suprised i even updated at all
Goodnight
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| meh |
[26 Sep 2004|02:02am] |
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mood |
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lonely |
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I kinda want to drive my car into the divider of the freeway.....all the time
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| sigh |
[21 Sep 2004|12:41am] |
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mood |
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music |
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Modest Mouse |
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Blah blah blah
School, friends, work, hooka, family, sleep, more work, drama, drinking, talking, hate, crushes, partys, kick backs, people, places, happy, sad, mad, you , me, us, this.......... blah blah blah
Im bored with life...................................................................
Really bored
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| I saw my favorite |
[14 Sep 2004|12:44am] |
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mood |
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music |
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Modest Mouse |
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Marianne i left my sisters jacket at your dorm...shes gonna be pissed but its ok
oh..and you made my life tonight
your seriously are what makes me alive
I love you best friend
I cant wait to see you again
and i really want to go to cal arts now!
Im really mad at myself..latley ive been so wraped up with nothing that ive been talking
just like gossip and shit..saying things i shouldnt..and thats not me..its really not
so im going to fix it
..i am sorry for what i have said or whats going on between people..and its none of my buisiness
Maybe i need a break..thats hard for me to do because i like being out..i cant be home ever..i was never a home person really anyways...but maybe i need to be
im so lost
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[13 Sep 2004|06:13pm] |
Seeing My Marianne will fix me tonight
Cuz im sad and lonley
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| people who have the same hair are sisters |
[12 Sep 2004|09:49pm] |
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mood |
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but ok |
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music |
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Watch Me Burn |
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Things i have to look forward too....
-Im going to have a cell phone this time next week
-Tomorrow night Im going to see my best friend of my entire life
-Tomorrow im going shopping
-Mike talking about painting made me start painting more..and painting makes me happy
-Im going to try to find myself a new job
This weekend didnt go as planned..but last night was really a good night for the
most part..and i was a happy camper
I feel like a late night drive
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| errr |
[27 Aug 2004|01:14am] |
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mood |
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music |
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coldplay |
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Ok I give up...I wont call you anymore or text you..or anything
I just wanted a friend
I need Marianne to be here..im upset because i cant go on the trip with her cuz of my stupid job i got at Joann's
...................and your still pretending!
Eff everyone...i dont need anyone
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| eeep! |
[24 Aug 2004|11:11pm] |
Last night i had my first nightmare of seven years...It was so crazy i cant even begin to explain..Lets just say breaking mini frozen dead bodies in half was one of the less disturbing portions
I dont get bad dreams..well i do now i guess
Anyway.........all i have to say is creepy
Maybe im making up for not having bad any dreams in forever
I miss having friends who i can talk too
It all seems like pretend
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| I shook the hand of time |
[24 Aug 2004|12:11am] |
The Garden State soundtrack is really amazing
I need a best friend
I have no one to talk to..no one to have sleepovers with, no one to watch the stars with, or drive to random locations with
Im lonley
Why are all my friends sooo far away
Anyway schools ok..im gonna get a job, my stepdad is out of my life and things seem ok..for now i guess
Le sigh
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| Meh |
[17 Aug 2004|08:45pm] |
Started College today
Its not gonna be that hard....im not excited about it anymore
A plus is i do have justin in two of my classes which is perfect
Hey btw people should stop having an IM TOO GOOD FOR YOU ATTITUDE....its just Moorpark College
Tonight is my first night home all summer
Hmm i really dont have much to say
I wish winter was here
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| i need something more.....somthing like you |
[12 Aug 2004|02:30am] |
Tonight ended with a relaxing drive through Simi valley in Laurens car
It was very cute
Been seeing alot of Lauren latley and ive been enjoying it very much..i didnt realize i missed hanging out with her so much
Latley my life has consisted of
Late night drives
Partys
New people
Signing up for College
Sex in the city
Hollywood
Bang
and so much more.....
The best thing that happened to me this summer was moving into an appartment with my mother and sister
My mother left my stepdad..i wont get into detailts right now but ive wanted this for 10 years now and having it feels great
Im glad ive been able to enjoy my summer before being tossed into the "adult" world..filled with college and responsibilities..and so on
Things are ok right now
Only thing i want now is someone to spoon with
Goodnight
<3
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| sigh |
[26 Jul 2004|04:03pm] |
New Temporary home...again
Everyone in my stepdads family is blaming me..thats fine
Hey some people should page me ...i dont have any numbers
and i need social interaction
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| those people you know, could live easily without you, dont really care about you |
[23 Jul 2004|02:01am] |
I tried to sleep but i cant...I have wayyy to much on my mind
Lets start with the story
..............................a loooong time ago..about 10-12 years ago my mom divorced my Dad, then got married to a man (my stepdad) Mike....he had been divorced three times before my Mom married him and he has three kids..they have two seprate moms....My stepdads upbringing will be my excuse for his actions because i dont think he could be as horrible of a person as he was without his own father have being such an asshole..long story short my Mother married this miserable man and we all have been suffering for about 10 long years..suffering meaning we have all been miserable due to the fact he is such a mean person..and his ways of life had been forced upon us for way too long now....hes done some fucked up shit..i wont write about it but ask me sometime if youd like to know because ive got every reason to hate this man as much as i do
Anyway the last few months my Mom has been so depressed she only got out of bed for work..i think it actually hit her that she needed to do somthing about the living situation...i have been kicked out of that place..more than 10 times so about 4 weeks ago i up and left for good...luckily i got my cousins who let me stay with them..im currently staying with them still
back to the story...my mom decided to leave..she looked at appartments, talked to family and actually found a two bedroom for her, me, and my sister to live in..
Problem was the real estate lady called and told Mike that we got the appartment instead of my moms cell phone ...honset mistake..none the less my stepfather freaked
I got a call today telling me not to go home or anywhere near it and was told my sister was going to stay at my grandmas..my mom had to face him alone tonight
Now Im stuck being scared for my Mom, really sad we cant take the dog rufus..worried for my belongings and everything else that comes along in a divorce..like family issues so on..i hope my stepdad just accepts whats going on but knowing the person he is i think its going to be messy..especially when i go over tomorrow to get my stuff..im scared as shit..My stepdad blames everything on me
He thinks i made my mom hate him and that im a druggy no good peice of shit..he thinks im fat and stupid and lazy and selfish and boy can i keep going with things he tells me....but ill stop..you get the point...anyway I know he hates me and hes gonna tell me exactly how he feels tomorrow im sure..but im going to try and be calm..get my stuff and be on my way
Best thing i can say is im sooo proud of my mother and im happy im going to live with her because even though i lived with her for the past 10 years ive never been able to spend real time with her or talk or anything..my stepdad never allowed it..im going to enjoy having a real family atmosphere
wow theres soo much more on my mind too..this is just the big issue i must deal with right now..I cant type it all into this online journal..id feel to ......fake
I honestly feel like i cant talk to anyone..truly talk..no one will come drive at 3 am to some place under the stars..(the only person i think who can is soooo far away)..hold me and tell me everything going to be ok..its ok..i dont blame you..everyone has much going on i know..ill still always be that person who pushes her shit aside so i can fix yours..
Always<3
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| love at first sight???? |
[22 Jul 2004|02:18pm] |
A last minute decision last night was made to go see cattle Decapitation, and boy was it a good decision
Normall routine.....Haylee, Clayton, and Cory were all drunk I was the only sober one..met Mellisa there who was also very drunk...so i decided to wonder into the show myself and sit alone the entire time..It was a really good show..i had the best time
An interesting thing is that when I was there I saw this guy....he looked really familiar but i couldnt put my finger on it..anyway the entire night i could feel his eyes and when id look up he would look away, While Cattle Decapitation played he ended up standing behind me and we bere both dancing and getting knocked around pretty well, You know when your in a crowd and you think someone is attractive or cute or whatever youll find excuses to touch them like pretend your falling over kinda so you can grab onto there hips as an excuse not to fall, or youll touch there shoulder to see the band(maybe i just notice this) but that is what was happening..i could feel his hands on my back and his eyes...me being shy i just continued to dance. but i did turn around and give him a smile
The show ended and i bought a cd and went outside to find all my drunken friends..there were still drunk and sitting so i wondered away and sat alone until it was time to leave.....yes thats it..the way i described the night you would think somthing interesting would have happened between me and the boy..well im stupid and didnt do a damn thing, i was too scared to talk to him and to shy to look up when i saw him walking bye again and again, but i still felt his eyes and i knew there was somthing we both should have done which was at least approach each other....so now i sit here beating myself up for not talking to the mystery boy.....i am however obsessed with him and plan to go back to the show his friends band was playing in hopes that he will be there and i might talk to him..its in two weeks and i will be there....This feels just like the movies..and mabybe it will be my fairytale ending..because honestly i felt somthing..damn do i sound lame
I also saw jess and natalie last night at Dennys<33
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[21 Jul 2004|02:03am] |
i wish no one would have seen it..youd be suprised what you DONT know..ive seen it
It just felt..........................Lonley
If i dont die tonight because i feel like i am going to i need some Renee time
Ill be on the computer because i have no life but im gonna take a break from hanging out..from everyone..most likley it wont last..and ill end up calling people to do stuff..but right now this is no good
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[20 Jul 2004|03:03pm] |
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Im so fucking stupid..i just fucked up my life for the next few months....this sucks so fucking bad..i wish i was fucking dead
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| Itchyyyyy |
[19 Jul 2004|03:50am] |
Its great when i finally get to sleep and wake up half and hour later with my eyes practicly swollen shut..i have a rash on my forhead and cant breath..the cat decided to sleep on my face and im more allergic to cats than i am life
I cant find allergy pills
Im dying
my new name is RENEE THE RASH because thats all I am..a giant allergic rash
I miss my Moms Dog rufus!..if i didnt want not to see my stepdad so much i would go visit the preciouse pup...maybe ill sneak in tomorrow night after hes asleep
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| If i could be your everything..i would |
[18 Jul 2004|03:45am] |
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mood |
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sad |
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The cure |
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All my friends are so sad, or upset or unhappy, and i found that out from livejournal.(how pathetic).i didnt even talk to them...i wish i could fix everything for everyone i know but things dont work that way..I really do care about everyone i do know..really...best I know....life sucks but not all of it and if i could find eveyones happy i would
I dont mind being a designated driver..i dont drink anyway
I broke a part of Jens car tonight..feel horrible about that
I missed out on plans i had tonight..dont know what happened
I Danced with a bunch of strangers
I have a job interview on monday
I kissed a boy with soft lips
Im tired
I felt alone tonight
I wore my red and lace braclet tonight..and every day
I havent been getting home till 3am at the earlyest the whole last two weeks
I miss living with my Mom
I need to stop thinking ABOUT MYSELF!
About 80 over the freeway onramp
A firey glow, and red tiped flames peeking over the smoky hills
The smell of fire
The Beauty..so lovley..and surreal
i have a thing for natural disasters..i love them..i think there really amazing..kinda twisted of me huh?
I dont care...I slowed down the car in the fast lane so i could admire the fire lit sky and ash filled clouds
Basically it topped my night
What i dont admire about it is the terrible effects it causes, and the fear it puts in some
With that I hope the fire is contained..but right now its my favorite
Goodnight sky
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| rant, rant, rant |
[16 Jul 2004|06:07am] |
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 sleepy |
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Modest Mouse |
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All week ive been staying out till about 5 every morning....Man am i tired...wacky sleeping habbits throw me off so much ..id like to go to bed right now but my cousin sandy..who is actually my second cousin ...has a man over and hes in the room..hes some x convict guy named Rene..ha same as me..anyway i cant go to bed because hes in there and I cant tell him to leave because its not my house, or my room, or my bed..I simply get to stay here out of the hospitality of my family..and well I need not to make waves
I have a job interview at Target in the valley on Monday...Nope no college for me..at least not yet...im really not ready...whats the plan then??? i have no idea..i suppose get a job, make some money, get my tattoos, and move in with the Jens..somewhere in the valley or hollywood...Sounds good I guess...Im At that gay life decision making point in life...effin sucks man..really have no idea what i am gonna do or what i want..no one ever knows what they want though..and knowning that its frusturating to even try to figure it out
TOnight I hung out with Cheyanne, David, Ish, and these kids i just met...Blake and Nick..members of the band Davids in...it was an interesting night..loved seeing Cheyanne, had fun attempting to play bass in a hardcore band, and drinking hot chocolate....Latley ive actually been hanging out with a bunch of kids i never hung around before..there all really awesome....It sucks I didnt get to know them before recently...still dont feel like I fit in with anyone..i mean im always around, random groups of kids..guess i just know a lot of kids, but i never really belong..i mean i dont go way back with anyone and i dont constantly hang aronund anyone..ive always just been there..guess im ok with that..just feels kinda lonley..but thats a universal emotion felt by everyone at one point or another..so i need to get over it
Im stressed, about what? i have no idea
I guess you can say lifes responsibilities..like job, insurance..all the bullshit society makes us go through
Wow im thinking way too much...since ive been away from home I have much more freedom..i miss my Mom alot though..i dont blame her for how much of a horrible person my stepdad is anymore..or blame her for being with him even though she hates him as much as I do...in life people get handed a plate and have to deal with what portions of good and bad they receive...i just wish my plate wasnt so full of the bad..KIds with happy parents and okay lifes dont know how good they have it...theres ups and downs everywhere but i know that things can always be so much worse..always..err instead of reflecting on the past at least i can concentrate on making a better future for myself..its weird..i honestly never thought i would make it to 18..i thought i would be dead by then...dont know why ..just really beleived that was gonna happen..but now that im 18 and still kicking im just thinking like fuck man i actually have to think about the future and crap..and i can only think day to day on anything.so im lost..just like im lost in my thoughts right now...im done..to tired to continue and bother anyone with my ramdomness
Happy Birfffday Andrew!
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